Boobie Movies

As per my last post, I actually did write reviews of the movies I watched that first week home with Keanu. In an effort to post semi-regularly, I thought I'd share them, edited and expanded somewhat, while I finish up my next two pieces.

Hustlers: I was disappointed by this and went in REALLY wanting to like it. It starts strong and fun: Cardi B is there in giant pasties; a pre-ubiquity Lizzo rocks a cowboy hat and duct tape on her nipples. JLo is a physically impossible human being, and watching her be 50 is worth the whole movie, but halfway through it totally loses you*. 

For whatever reason they needed to remind us this movie was based on a magazine article, so the whole thing is inexplicably structured like Interview with the Vampire and Julia Stiles is weirdly cast in the Christian Slater role. (The fact that's it's Julia Stiles is really distracting. How did she get here? Where has she been? Is this also a late 90s Shakespearean adaptation? Could they not get actual Christian Slater?) It does not gel. And then it just ends. 

It tried to say something about the 2008 financial crisis, but it couldn’t decide what kind of movie it wanted to be. Nobody involved deserved an Oscar, but the Usher scene was briefly fantastic. 

Watch this on a plane, or when you’re hungover.

*Okay, full disclosure: about halfway through Hustlers, Keanu projectile vomited directly into my nursing bra. As I figured out what I did wrong (didn't burp him enough) he barfed again - except this time, it was bloody. I PANICKED. I was sure I'd poisoned him with like, acid milk or maybe my insides were made of powdered glass WHO KNOWS WHY IS HE BLEEDING FROM THE INSIDE IS HE A DEMON???

Google told me this was normal: my nipples were just bleeding, somehow unbeknownst to me, which seems like it should be a sign of the apocalypse, but not this year. By this point both Keanu and I were crying, and I was running around the house topless shushing him trying to find the clean clothes without waking Adam up, because his shift started in two hours and I did not want him to know I broke the baby. I at least wanted to see if I could fix him first. 

I did. He fell asleep and I got most of the puke off of us and I went back and watched the rest of the movie, but this whole blood barf incident probably took me out of the narrative just when they were trying to make a point. Unfortunately, their point was not stronger than my fear that I had created and destroyed a tiny pukey vampire. 

*

Long Shot: - I was pleasantly surprised by this! It was an old school rom com, with Seth Rogen playing himself. This includes a scene where he ejaculates into his own beard, which is weird but somehow not entirely gratuitous and also served the plot? 

Charlize Theron pulls off being both Secretary of State and into Seth Rogen? I've heard that Charlize is kind of an asshole in real life, and it is definitely easy to believe the worst about someone that beautiful, but I am choosing to think she's only an asshole to people who kind of deserve it. You don't need to explain yourself to me, Charlize. And Seth Rogen looks like Kyle, yells at racists, and his whole Instagram is just pictures of the pottery he and his wife make and it's all like, pot-smoking accessories. Pot pottery? Which is already pottery. I love Seth Rogen, he can do no wrong. 

There’s a performance by Boyz II Men. Boyz II Men randomly bookends this movie and at no point is anyone like 'why is a 30 year old r&b group here'. 

Bob Odenkirk plays the former TV-actor president who wants to quit the presidency to transition into movies. I love Bob Odenkirk. This works. Why does this movie work so well??

This is way funnier than it has any right to be. It's possible they made this movie for only me. It's  possible this movie doesn't actually exist. Anyway, I recommend highly if you like this sort of thing.

So, I was on a LOT of Percocet during this viewing. I didn't realize how much until about a week later when I was left with just the Super Advil. They slice your whole shit open for a c-section. According to my husband, who saw my intestines, it is a very Civil War battlefield experience, save for the general cleanliness, antibiotics and painkillers that don't involve gulping whiskey and biting a bullet. 

Anyway, I have no idea what this movie is about. Boyz II Men is definitely in it, though. 

*

Wine Country: I expected this to be pretty depressing, because it appeared to be about a group of women drinking while Rachel Dratch turned 50, but Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph were here, so I thought it might surprise me. It did. It was, surprisingly, more depressing than I expected. It’s just aging rich white lady jokes, only one of which even sort of lands (Brene Brown makes an appearance at a restaurant). 

Jason Schwartzman is there making paella in a really extended gag, seduces a CPAP-wearing Amy Poehler and then completely disappears from the movie. Otherwise, it's a lot of lady fighting and day drinking that culminates in MR getting bitten by a snake and everyone rolling or falling down a hill in a dramatic solidarity kind of thing. This is the most serious acting in the film, because the hill was not really that steep, they could have just like, carefully made their way down. 

Who is this movie for? Who sees themselves in any of these characters? In what universe do six pizza waitresses all go on to become this wildly successful 25 years later? 

The whole time Ana Gasteyer is trying to make a major life/business decision about a Top Chef-like opportunity and her 'friends' just bitch at her for being on her phone. Not one of them whips over a cocktail napkin to make a pro/con list. No one offers to stage a mock-Top Chef competition to see if she would like that sort of thing. These are not good friends! Nothing is solved by the end. I hope Ana took the job and blocked all their numbers.

Watch this if you want to remember what low grade hangovers feel like.

I stand by everything in this review.

*

The Bling Ring: Another movie based on a Vanity Fair article! This is a Sofia Coppola movie, so if you like Sofia Coppola movies, you will probably like this. 

Gavin Rossdale is maybe the sketchy dealer dude? Yes? His character is dating a teenager in this movie, sooo that’s not great. We just don't like him anymore as a society and I feel like he's surprised by this because we all had that Bush CD in junior high and like half of us even bought the second one. But he forgets we listened to the No Doubt CD way more, and even though Gewn dabbled in some real problematic shit through the Harajuku years and she's dating Blake VoiceJudge now and honestly she seems like she'd be pretty annoying in real life we all still pick her because you can't cheat that lazy with the NANNY, Gavin, the texts were on the iPad, are you kidding me? You suck. This is not great image rehabilitation, btw.  

This movie makes me so glad we never moved to LA. These kids do a troubling amount of cocaine. And Emma Watson free bases at least once. Did that come back? What would you even do if you saw that at a party! Not be able to leave the fucking party because it's LA and you need a ride? This was my major takeaway from Clueless and something that makes me deeply uneasy when in California, in addition to the earthquakes and snakes and mudslides and fires and coyotes and serial killers and highways HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE SO RELAXED ARE THE AVOCADOS REALLY WORTH IT???

But yeah, this is a SC movie, so nothing really happens, it’s just pretty cool and has lots of dope shots. 

This would be a great plane movie.

I have nothing to add, other than I was still on the Percocet and this is night four of behaving like this was just how we were going to live the rest of our lives and I was fine with it. If you know me well you know that I am always initially like this in terrible situations: I am the cartoon of the dog drinking coffee in an inferno: 'this is fine!' It explains 90% of the apartments I've lived in. Right? 

Anyway, if you know me well, you also know I will eventually wake up from this bullshit and move out of the apartment where the stove is also the heater. 

*

Booksmart:- of course I like this movie... but I do like it. 

I like the concept, I like that Amy drives the same Volvo my entire high school class drove. It’s cute, it’s smart, it’s a very standard high school party movie but with nice modern updates. The ending is great. 

There isn’t a lot to say: it does what it does really well. 

This is an excellent movie to watch while your husband is sleeping and you’re wondering if you’ll ever be able to let put your baby down in his bassinet and walk away.

And the next night, we did.